I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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