my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just found a bag of teeth...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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