and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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