How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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