i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
