just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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