the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
