Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
