mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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