so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
