if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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