got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize