i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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