I must be too annoying 4 u.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
