I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
