dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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