that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
