An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
