nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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