apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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