margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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