I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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