I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
