Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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