I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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