My underwear smells like fireworks.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
