Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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