Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
