I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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