i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i think i have two assholes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
