I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
