make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
