I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
