bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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