you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
