My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
