She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
