Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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