i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
