i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They took my balls.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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