i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
