"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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