Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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