I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
