somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
