The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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