just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I pour the whiskey from now on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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