this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
