He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
