I am midnight drunk by noon
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
