i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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