you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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