Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
