Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
