Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize