There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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