I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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