Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
