He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
