I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
