ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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