I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
