the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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