I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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