The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Who died my cat blue again?
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