I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
