we made out on top of his cat.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
