3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
